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day 1

 i dont even know what to write here anymore. 
its been a week and a half since my mother in law died. 
even though it means she isnt in pain anymore it hasnt made the impact any less. 
the grieving around here has been epically roller coaster. 
watching a man, fold the laundry of his dead lover, his only love, makes my heart feel out of touch.
last night i dreamed we were buying the trailer i grew up in, my fathers clothes still hanging in the closet, my mothers night stand covered in her usual comforts. my room was how i left it 14 years ago, just covered in a thick layer of dust, my typewriter exactly centered on my desk. my brothers room with his comic books and bikini clad posters the corner of a penthouse sticking out of the edge of the mattress. but my sisters room, hers was vacant, she has always been dead to me. i was hiding photos of my childhood from my realtor and all the sudden every drawer in the house started bursting with images of us, my siblings blood and adopted, there are 7 of us and i am unsure which family i belong too and which i am betraying.
a woman comes in the trailer, she wants to turn it into a gun shop, she has no idea how these walls have housed things more explosive.

when i woke from the dream this morning i cried. so much missing, i have always been an open sore.in one week i turn 29, i am not worried about aging, the older i get the further away the past is. at 6 this morning, my children were sleeping, my lady already starting her work day, i sat at the kitchen table with my coffee and wondered for how many more years i would be metaphorically empty.
nothing monumental happening  in our life right now.
fall  is approaching and i am excited for the return of the leaves changing. i am finding some balance right now, trying to guard my heart a little more. my mornings have been slow and quiet and my afternoons are dance parties and chores. i have been sure of very little lately but ive been smiling more. my bones are settling  and im allowing the world to push me in any direction it chooses.
this month brought chicken pox to the boys, oakley then had an allergic reaction to the pox, but it wasnt major, the baby is healthy and growing though she is still very petite.
i took some steps back from folks in my life and i am keeping writing at arms distance for now.  im gearing up for my vacation in about a months time. i cant wait to get down to CA and finally let loose and relax. i think thats all i have to report.
im all locked down here now.
keeping this journal to read and comment.
ill occasionally post.

im hanging out with my myspace blog because im mostly working on writing
and most of my friends here have long ditched their journals and update over there.

i just like to take a break from feeling like i have to write here.

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January 2011


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